Tuesday, July 13, 2010

make the ordinary come alive

"Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is a way of foolishness. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself." -William Martin

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hurry Up Sickness, Turtle Medicine

Life finally seems to be settling a little since the holidays. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of creativity and destruction. There's been lots of the preferred kind of growth-promoting destruction, for which I'm grateful, but I confess to a heap unwitting self-destructing, too.

With great excitement, I started both singing lessons and belly dance in November, but after about 6 weeks I reluctantly had to admit that the drive into town and extra activity is just more than my sensitive little constitution can bare. A couple of weeks before Christmas I temporarily abandoned both, until we move in to Austin proper.

I guess that leads to the unwitting self destruction. I'll start with Turtle Medicine. When was it?.. I think in October... I was driving down the 5 mile winding country road that leads to the 2 mile bumpy dirt road where we live. I had to stop in the middle of the street because a turtle was crossing. I first moved it to the grass in the direction it was headed, but then realized it had likely stopped because it was heading directly toward two rascally dogs and certain death. So, I picked it up gently, had a little chat with it, named it Fred, and took *him* home with me. I released Fred in the creek just behind our house. A few days later, I was taking a walk on the land and nearly stepped on a large, completely empty turtle shell (not Fred). From a shamanic perspective, I recognized this as quite a gift! It seemed Turtle was thanking me and offering to be an ally. I was quite touched. As I write, I'm wishing I would have thought to utilize the gift and work with Turtle more effectively shortly following.

Turtle medicine is about... well, first, Turtle is an ancient symbol for the Great Mother, Earth. It's about grounding, being connected, creativity, protection. Turtle lives in land and water, so it's about being able to walk in two worlds. Also about exploring watery emotional depths. About going within. Finally, and incredibly relevant in my case, Turtle is about right timing. When I stumbled upon the turtle shell, as I mentioned, I assumed it was a gift because of my interaction with Fred. In retrospect, there was also a distinct message that I do remember receiving but conveniently overlooking... "SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!"

At the time, I was taking a weekly 2 hour psychic training course, I was doing 2 hour weekly EFT sessions, my two, 2 hour in-town classes (with their 2 hour round trip drives), trying to catch up with friends in-town, juggling multiple clients and multiple deadlines, multiple businesses, trying to keep up with the house, the land, the bills, etc. Additionally, the holdiay's are just a busy time for me. This season started with a trip to Dallas for Thanksgiving. About two weeks later is a significant annual shamanic ceremony (in the traditions I practice), perhaps my favorite, about letting go of the past and bringing in the light. We decided on a quick road trip to Santa Fe to celebrate this with our shamanic peeps. Then, there was Solstice, also important for me. Then, Christmas, trip to Dallas area to be with family. Somewhere in the middle of all that there was also an intense two week emotional scare, personal details which I will refrain from sharing, but will say was the straw that broke the camels back on my already filled to the brim nervous system. The combination of my schedule and this crisis of sorts has left me in a state of hyperarousal... it feels as if my body is non-stop producing adrenaline, sans stimulation, & I can't seem to get it to stop. Very undesirable, not to mention unhealthy. I've been having a difficult time concentrating, experiencing moments of disorientation, memory is disturbingly shot (the other day, when filling out a check, I couldn't remember how to write the number 6!!!), I startle incredibly easily, muscle tension/soreness, fatigue, moodiness, etc.

One of my books, when discussing Turtle Medicine, refers to our cuture's "hurry up sickness." That's what it boils down to... IMPATIENCE. Trying to do way too much is a symptom of impatience & a little greed for information/learning/doing in my case (which started innocently enough as passion for the subjects). Both resulting in (self) destruction. Adrenaline overload and eventual adrenal burn-out is one potential result, one with which I am familiar. The cure... slow the fuck down. Also, there are dietary changes and supplemental support, not to mention making sure to get plenty of simple exercise and lots of deep breathing. Working with Turtle ought to help.

Because I have experienced the physical meltdown of impatience before, it's a bit easier to not be so identified with what's going on this time around. I'm able to observe things with more detachment, recognize that this isn't forever, this too shall pass. But it is damn uncomfortable, inconvenient and recovery requires a lot of my effort and attention. The underlying belief (lie) of impatience is a fear that there isn't enough time, which in this case showed up as a constant trying to squeeze in just one more thing, for fear that I'd run out of time and never get to it. Ironically, the result is that I've had to put pretty much everything on hold while I focus on recovery.

To see the silver lining, I'm sure there will be untold blessings in my recovery process. I'm hoping that I'll learn the lesson this time and I'm grateful to have turtle to remind me to be more conscious of how much I can realistically manage and to pay attention and ignore that little monster in my head that attempts to convince me that there's not enough time. (He's incessant and loud!)

For now, turtle is telling me it's time to tuck into my little shell, stay connected to my source, and rest. Hoping my friends and partner can understand and be supportive and not take my temporary withdrawal personally.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

self discovery & initiation of the sacred clown

We moved and just a week later I left, on my 35th birthday, for a spontaneous trip to burning man. My first trip. It was amazing to say the least. I've been in a tailspin since, mostly because of a connection I experienced with a person in the couple of days immediately following. This person triggered, or perhaps more accurately said, symbolizes something deep within me that is in the long process of being healed, my relationship to the masculine. Through this experience I am understanding how both the masculine and the feminine within me (and without) need to be healed, as does their relationship to one another.

Despite the temporal bliss of burning man, the experience after induced intense suffering, the blessed heartache that brings you to your knees and makes you long for only truth, only source.

Of course, what else could follow but intense soul searching, which I've been in the process of for about a month. In attempt to heal and regain composure I've practiced many private ceremonies of release and surrender and called upon every tool and trick I've learned over the past decade of shamanic/spiritual study. Everywhere I turn I've been receiving the message to search my heart for its truest desires and to follow them, but the usual easy-access to my heart has been clouded. It seems for weeks I've proceeded with limited clarity, frustration and a vague sense that with patience all is coming.

In one of my mini-ceremonies I revisited a visualization that I was first taught over a year ago. I was guided to imagine a throne in the heart, in this throne sits an inner shaman, you, in your essence, fully evolved & empowered. I examined how she (the future me) looked, felt and presented herself. I will spare the details save one peculiarity, her eyes are painted like those of a clown, with a line above and below the center of each eye. I remembered being surprised by that the first time I experienced the visualization, and once again wondered at its meaning.

I find myself engaged in multiple initiations at once. I am entering what the Micheal System refers to as the 4th internal monad. This is the time, usually beginning between 35 and 36, of leaving childhood behind to fully enter into adulthood, a time when one may fully embody and align personality with essence. My partner and I are also intending to start a family, I am leaving maidenhood behind to become the mother. Simultaneously, I'm starting to feel that perhaps I am... and this is a most odd confession... entering the initiation of the sacred clown.

Online searches for sacred clown have been incredibly inspiring. I was encouraged to discover that there are teachers out there, and their work brings me to tears. I also ran across the following essay, which leads me to more seriously consider embracing clown medicine as my own (it describes me well):

(from http://dreamflesh.com/essays/clownpath/)
"...It’s a little more difficult to spot a young clown than it is to spot a young warrior. Those who describe a child as being "too sensitive" need to be aware that the little one may be a Sacred Clown in the making. The child may be shy, or she may be a temperamental show-off, sometimes both in different situations. In any case, a young clown is an explorer in the world of emotions. She tests the limits of her feelings as surely as a young warrior tests the limits of her will...

The initiation for a Sacred Clown happens as she realizes that even people who love each other can be cruel to each other, or that Life itself can be cruel. Her own intense reaction to a personal experience of abandonment, betrayal of trust, or shattered romance may result in extreme depression, emotional imbalance, a nervous breakdown, or (in extreme cases) a suicide attempt... If she can somehow find her emotional equilibrium, somehow go THROUGH the pain and come out on the other side, learn to dance on the knife edge of her own Soul, the experience becomes a gateway THROUGH the illusions of life and into the truth of life.

What is truth? This question propels the Clown into the sacred dimension. The Truth the Clown intuits is the interconnectedness of all life. She KNOWS (although she cannot prove) that no part is more important than any other part—no matter how big or how small—and that the tiniest change in one part produces a profound change in the Whole. She SEES (although she cannot explain) that imbalance or blockage of the Life Force is the result of a person or group believing themselves to be more important than another. And she can’t help puncturing that over-blown self-importance with her sharp humor!

A Clown becomes Sacred by opening herself. Like a child, she is vulnerable, fluid, and open to the Life Force. Unlike a child, however, she has learned to shield herself and move safely through an insane world by using masks, disguises, tricks and transformations. In a sane world, she might risk a bit more exposure.

Native Americans say that Sacred Clowns are great lovers of children, healing them and protecting them. In addition, one of their powers is to bring fertility to barren people and situations. If the Sacred Warrior personifies the Sun, the Sacred Clown personifies the Void—that great black openness of space, the great Womb from which we all are born...

The power of the Void is the power of wombness in us all, the power of true creativity. The power of being open is sometimes regarded as a weakness, but the Sacred Clown gives us this paradox: The weakest can be the most powerful. The dumbest can be the most wise. "In a clown’s craziness, she can be obscene or test any of the existing structures and ideas to see if they are true and real—and she gets away with it. She herself is weak, but her very weakness is her power."

---

I also ran across this poem at www.sacred-clown-as-healer.co.uk
In Simplicity and Presence the Fool
takes us directly to the heart.
With Playful Wisdom, she guides us
through the noisy clutter of too much thinking
to the child of eternity,
secretly hiding at the core of our being...

Interestingly, the post-burning man exchange, which had me feeling like an utter fool to the Nth degree, prompted inner work to release my childish patterns and embrace the responsibility of adulthood in a most final and complete way. Ironically, it seems that my process is guiding me to return to the innocence of a child and embrace the wisdom of the fool. Also interesting that for the first time I just read, "To make simple sense of this (4th internal) Monad, it is the “regaining of innocence”. It occurs to me that my fourth internal monad has only just begun... yikes! I'm in for a wild ride, bless me!

As a final note, at Burning Man the raw truth, societal reflection, beauty, physical mastery and goddess expressed through accomplished belly dancers blew my mind, opened my heart and also brought me to tears. (I was given guidance in ceremony over four years ago to explore belly dancing, which was hilarious because belly dancers used to annoy me severely.) Perhaps these forms of expression that move me so intensely are the illusive whispers of my hearts desire? Perhaps they are the methods/skills I am being called to learn and serve by, and through which I will be both healer and healed. Given the fact that I have zero experience with performance, and a severe case of stage fright, maybe they're just metaphors for the sacred play of the masculine and feminine that need to be healed with both wisdom and innocence.

One thing is very clear to me, I feel moved to become more embodied. I've got my work cut out for me.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Moving right along...

We're leaving Santa Fe & moving to a 100 acre nature preserve near Austin, Texas in less than 10 days. I am struck by how, when I make a big move, it's the land I miss more than the people. That's not to say I won't miss the people, but, I suppose, I'll be in touch with my friends and you can't just call up the land. Visits to places require more effort.

The move, and graphic design work, and visits from friends & family taking advantage of one last visit to Santa Fe with a free place to stay, have been dominating my reality recently.

With all of my talk in earlier posts of transitioning from graphic designer to artist, what's been happening lately is interesting. Over the last few months I have been approached by several clients, with whom I felt I've had "agreements" to do design work for. Each of these pieces has been what I would have considered a medicine art process, but with design, where I started each day ceremoniously, blessing the work, the project, etc. It's been a really enjoyable way to work.

In my practice, I've also received more clarity on my life task work as being more about teaching and healing, and art being more of a personal practice, my own personal medicine.

I love how life continues to unfold and guiding messages continue to reveal themselves, guiding my becoming via small, regular revelations. Uncovering the mystery of Great Spirit who chose to manifest through this little splinter of person, revealing the potential of me.

Haha, it reminds me of a line from Kermit's rainbow connection song, "Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is it the sweet sound that calls the young sailor? I think it's one and the same. I've heard it too many times to ignore it, it's something I'm supposed to be. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection..."

It's like a blooming.

Monday, July 6, 2009

inspiration

"...speech is not needed. Our actions will help on the world, will spread civilization, will help the progress of science, and cause the arts to develop. Without action nothing in the material world can be accomplished, neither can words unaided advance a man in the spiritual Kingdom. It is not through lip-service only that the elect of God have attained to holiness, but by patient lives of active service they have brought light into the world. Therefore strive that your actions day by day may be beautiful prayers."

~ Abdu'l Baha

Monday, June 29, 2009

Inspired

Interesting times...

I want to remember that (just as my work is a gift from spirit) I offer my work as a gift to spirit in joy and gratitude for being.

On Friday I spent quite a bit of time visiting Galleries in Santa Fe. I am feeling particularly inspired by the work of Hung Lui, a chinese artist who uses mixed media and paint between layers of acrylic resin. I've been inspired with vision for multiple art pieces lately, but have been hemming and hawing over medium. I've been playing with pastel, and enjoy it, but after seeing the work of Lui, I see so much possibility for expressing these visions through layers, incorporating both transparent and opaque imagery, the precision of digital and the organic of paint. Very exciting.



Hung Liu · Calendar Girl II · 2008 · Turner Carroll Galery

Monday, June 15, 2009

Insight, next steps

Pattern Interrumpere -- after a couple of weeks out of town for family & other business, I returned home last week to a Shamanic Practitioner Intensive. It was intensive indeed, very amazing. I learned and experienced so much, I find this path so rewarding and nourishing and I'm incredibly grateful. During, I gained some insight into the current pastel art piece that I'm working on, which is meant to be a portal for cleaning/clearing negativity in a space. I would eventually like to turn it into a bowl that can be used during healing sessions. Not quite sure how, but that leads me to remembering another insight I had, which is Huichol bowl to practice copying both shipibo and huichol art, but primarily huichol, and particularly their use of color. Both traditions create bowls for ceremonial use, which is what reminded me of the insight. Shipibo paint the outside of clay pottery and Huichol line the inside of gourdes with amazing images using beads and bees wax.

I once took an art class (about 16 years ago!) where the teacher had us choose a master (I chose John Singer Seargent) and then copy his/her work . The idea was to allow their work to teach us and inform and influence our personal work. I learned much more than expected from this exercise and I'm excited about studying Huichol and Shipibo art similarly.

For some reason, I'm having the urge to work with cloth on this bowl, perhaps silkscreen on fabric, or painting silk, and lining the inside of a bowl, or perhaps a gourde. Although, ideally this bowl would be practical, portable and durable, perhaps even collapsible, perhaps 1/2 a chinese lantern that's spiral based? It'll be fun to experiment when the time is right. But first, complete the image on paper and also practice studying Huichol art.